And all my instincts, they return
and the grand facade so soon will burn
--Peter Gabriel, In Your Eyes
We're rapidly approaching yet another life change. I feel strange, like I'm floating down stream into some rapids, but oddly confident. I suppose we'll see when the time comes, but I think it's safe to say I'm cautiously optimistic.
I am feeling the support of my network of friends much more, and earlier this time. This is owing largely to the fact that they all remember what happened last time around, and also that I've been in much closer contact about what we'll need and what I can reasonably ask for in terms of help. I've been doing my best these last couple of years to do every favor asked of me. I know I'll need to call them in soon enough.
The arrival of this baby will also be just before summer, when we'll be off from teaching. That's a good thing, I think. We can be more free with our sleep cycles in terms of timing, and I shouldn't have to rush to hold any schedule other than my racing schedule, which is intermittent throughout the summer. We have a friend coming to stay with us for a bit as well, and that should help quite a bit while I'm still at work so my wife can get some sleep.
I'm worried about the post-partum anxiety and depression. That wasn't a great thing last time, but we have the benefit of knowing the signs and being able to catch them early. I'm worried for my own ability to survive the transition as well, but all I can do is breathe deep and look inward for a sense of patience. We only get to do this once, and I know someday I'll miss it.
I'm also worried for my oldest child that she'll remember the bad moods we can be in when we're sleep deprived, that she might take something personally. I know it's absurd and probably a minuscule concern but I don't want her to be upset or hurt by something I say or do. I'm going to have to be more deliberative in how I interact with everyone, so that will surely be an added pressure.
Earlier this week we sold our second car (which was a sort of sports coupe, and not really a great car for car seats and multiple kids). We took our daughter for a ride in it at night, so she could check out the sun roof, and then we said goodbye to it. We're into a different phase of our lives, so we needed something to fit that. Ended up getting a minivan. I know there are a lot of feelings around that in the parenting world, but I've had minivans before and always loved the ability to haul a large amount of stuff when needed. Additionally, some of the most fun I've had on road trips have been in those cars.
So we're entering "the minivan years" I guess, but I feel OK about it. Partly it also means that my car will be more available to me for races, as I used to be able to get up early, drive to a race and sleep in the back until start time. Those days will be fewer now, obviously, but maybe I can still sneak some in here and there.
I'm expecting this may be my last post on the blog as a father of one. I think I'm ready, at least, I feel ready. I feel like it wasn't that long ago we were doing all this for our first kiddo, although obviously two years ain't nothing.
I'm a big Peter Gabriel fan. I've heard him talk about one of his best known songs, "In Your Eyes" and how the song is about acceptance in a relationship. I feel like that acceptance theme is relevant in my life right now -- I don't really wish I was younger. I'm in a place where I'm thoroughly happy in my existence. Kids want to grow up, old folks maybe yearn to be younger (that's the trope, anyway) but I'm OK with where I am. No third decade crisis (not yet anyway).
I see the doorwayTo a thousand churchesThe resolutionOf all the fruitless searchesOh, I see the light and the heatIn your eyes--Peter Gabriel, In Your Eyes
I'm hoping to set my running goal for a ten miler I do in late July each year. I'm hoping it keeps me dedicated to eating well, trying not to snack constantly for my hits of dopamine. I am planning to modify a half marathon plan, because with the shorter distance I'll need to get more speed work in than I will usually do. Ideally, I'll also work in a mid-day mile so that I'll also be heat acclimated, just in case. But I've run this race many times before and in a dramatic variety of conditions so no matter what happens I'm confident I can cover the distance in a respectable time.
I have a half marathon tomorrow morning. It will be my second time running at the Angry Unicorn running festival, which I'm excited for. Its a nice course, hopefully the weather will end up OK. I'd like to cover the distance in under two hours, and I should be in shape to do that pretty comfortably. I haven't been running much this week what with all the things I have to do around the house, but hopefully that won't hurt me too much.