In another life I
was an orchestral musician. I had a merit scholarship to a
University, and I studied music education. As much as I loved playing
in ensembles, I knew it wasn't what I was going to do for my
livelihood for the rest of my existence. Combined with an overbearing
rehearsal and performance schedule, and a healthy dose of
psychological abuse at the hands of some professors, I do not perform
in large-scale ensembles anymore. In all truth I had to take several
years off after college from even looking at my instrument. Multiple
times I thought about selling it.
I should point out
that I'm not a bad player. I've changed as I age, of course, but I
actually can really play with a pretty decent level of proficiency.
I'm fairly confident knowing friends who have pursued similar paths
with similar proficiency that I could get a graduate level degree if
I chose to pursue one.
As of right now I
have no plans for that. Music for me (on my principal instrument) has
become something solely for the practice room: a safe lab where I can
experiment with non-verbal sonic communication. I play for my
students occasionally but I wouldn't consider this to be performing
in any real sense. I perform on other instruments but as a general
rule I don't play out on my principal instrument. I'm building my
ability, too. I can now do things that were only a faint dream in
college. I'm happy with that, I'm proud of it. But this is an inward
satisfaction. I feel no pressure to share it with a world I feel so
beaten up by.
This summer as I
train for my fall marathon I have begun thinking of my endurance
training in the same way. I stopped following a plan back in June. I
know types of workouts that work for me and I understand how my
mileage should progress so that I will avoid injury and build
strength. So far I feel like this plan is working and it allows me to
dial back and take time to rest or take it easy if I need it. On a
fixed plan I tend to punish myself mentally if I need more time. I've
run every day for seven weeks straight now. My attitude towards this
sport has changed for the better because I've created a safe space in
my head: a running practice lab where I can use this conditioning for
instead of against me.
And that makes
sense because it isn't like I'm trying to win prize money. That isn't
my goal. My goal is to keep my sanity and maintain a high level of
fitness so I can be a strong father and role model to my offspring.
As runners we have a reputation of thinking about lots of things on our long
runs. If you're anything like me you use the time to hash out
mistakes you made, or maybe wrongs done to you. My advice would be to
use it for that if it helps. But don't lose sight of that as a
benefit; change what you need to change about your approach to
maximize that benefit.
We should do that
in all areas of our lives. Maintain a sense of play and impermanence
that allows you to correct mistakes without dwelling on them. Take
responsibility, keep things in perspective, and move on. If I reflect
on my past it is clear that I have not kept things that light in the
past.
Here's to hoping that I can take what I'm learning about
running and carry it over into other areas of my life.
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